and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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