All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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