Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
