It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
