birth control should be required to get into college
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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