Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
