Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
