Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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