I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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