he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
