Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Randomize