I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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