So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
