pop tarts are not kleenex
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
