Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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