Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
