i need an iv and a liver transplant
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Actions speak louder than pants.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
