How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
