He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
