Apparently you make a good broom.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
