mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
