I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
