Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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