Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
