I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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