I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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