I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Apparently you make a good broom.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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