can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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