remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
