I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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