feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Someone shattered a urinal.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
