my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize