I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
