I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
