sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
bring money and cleavage
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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