first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
