Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
