an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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