I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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