No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
