I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
