can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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