haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
