She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
