I'm jealous of your bromance
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just gift wrapped bread.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
