Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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