I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
