On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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