You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Well I just put wine in my tea
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
