so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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