So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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