My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
