this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
