Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
