You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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