How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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