I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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