R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I believe in your delicious
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
