she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize