I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Slut skills are useful in every country.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
