my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he thought i was a dude.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
