guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
two words: eviction party
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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