You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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