wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
